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2017/01/29

How NOT to Submit to a Press: Arrogance (NSFW language)



Despite the nature of the following, I try, as an editor, to not be petty.  Consider these entries in the vein in which they are presented as an independent book publisher who is seeking clarity in entries sent in for consideration of publication.  I will NEVER use a name or contact information in these entries. They offer a dual opportunity for me to vent about things that annoy me hopefully in an entertaining way and give our potential submitters knowledge on...

“How NOT to Submit to a Press”

            Don’t you just hate it when you deal with someone who has utterly disrespected you, and yet you don’t really have time to deal with them right away, but you still want to so you write a poem, flaying them, and you share it with people for humorous effect, but you still want to share it in a more determinant way.  Then you come across an equally ignorant foe who finally spurs you to the point of actually needing to write about the fools you come across so you can finally write about that person.  Then in doing some recognizance work you realize the first ignorant foe died over a year before.
            Yeah, that’s what this one is about.
            I guess we poets are always more inspired by death.
            The first entry of this series deals with Arrogance.
            Most presses I reckon love an author with confidence.  But Arrogance to the point of disrespect is something that I don’t know anyone who will put up with.
            The following poem is almost direct word for word transcript from an email conversation with someone who submitted with Arrogance in mind.

Re: Chapbook Submission 02/14

From: chrismucklehoney@leastmisinformedpossiblyoverconfident.com

Address: 51 Michael Hunt Drive
Los Huevos, California
31 page submission attached.

From: writingknights@leasthesinterested.com

Please review our submission guidelines. We only ask for 10 pages as a sample. Here is the URL: main.writingknights.com/submissions.html

The Writing Knights Team

From: chrismucklehoney@sarcasticdickhead.com

            Writing Knights Team,
            Review this.
            CM
No attachment

From: writingknights@themomentiamperplexed.com

            Dear Chris,
            I can’t tell if you are being foul or just forgot the attachment.
            Please clarify,
            Thanks!
            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@thispointiamstillharmless.com

            I can pretty well tell you’re foolish, but please try.
            CM

From: writingknights@thebeliefwearedone.com

            Thank you for the clarification.

From: chrismucklehoney@thebeliefthattalkinglikearockstarwillgetyouanywherewithAzFuckingJohnson.com

            You mean, thank you for the manuscript and you’re welcome.

From: writingknights@thepointofsettingthisfellowstraight.com

            Nope.  There is a protocol you must follow before we can discuss.
            ;)
            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@temptingtosavefacethroughinsultinganestablishment.com

            Fuck your protocol and fuck you little winky face!

From: writingknights@temptingtokillhimwithkindness.com

            I hope your day/night gets better and whatever is causing you discomfort abates.
            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@lastthetruedoucheemerges.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@temptingtofoilhisangerwithmyfeelingsofthewordcunt.com

            Thank you! That’s the highest form of compliment!

From: chrismucklehoney@thispointisapparentlyamisogynist.com

            In Idiotsville.

From: writingknights@mybestretortinthepastsixmonths.com

            You can rent my guest room.

From: chrismucklehoney@stickingtosomethingagainstallodds.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@temptingnottofeedthistroll.com

            You said that.

From: chrismucklehoney@leastiamconsistent.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@mittedlynotthebestthingtosaytoendthisconversation.com

            If your poetry is as repetitive as your insults, there is no way I can publish you.

From: chrismucklehoney@leastiamconsistent.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@lastiamtootiredtocontinuethisjoustsoiconcedethepowerofthewordcunt.com

            It seems a shame you put so much time and effort into your submission.
            Anyway, I’m gonna hit the sack. 
I wish you good luck on all your future endeavors.
            WK

From: chrismucklehoney@leastigetthelastword-mantheseeditorsaresostupidiftheythinkiamgoingtopaythemanyrespectinordertogetthemtopublishme-respectisforchumps-buttheybetterrespectme-yeah.com

            Cunt!

From: writingknights@mybesttryingnottoreturnthispersonsnegativity-tryingtobethebiggerperson-reallyquestionhowthehellheevergotpublishedwiththatattitude-wouldneverpublishsomeonewhodisregardedtheprocess-willwarneverypressiknowaboutthisguy.com

            You know?  You aren’t even worth my time.

Discard Draft

            Rest In Peace - Arrogant Writers.

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